It’s a good story. In one important way it is also a gruesome story. I’ll tell it to you now. I hope you aren’t thin skinned. If you can handle gore than you’re in for a treat. This is my only gruesome story. Listen to this story.

The famous Carl Weathers has heard this story. Many people don’t know Carl anymore.

He was a famous movie star from my generation. He said that he thought it was good. He even said that he would star in it if it became a movie, which, I’d be flattered if he did. This story deserves a good cast of actors.

Actors from my generation worked hard and they made movies about important things.

Compare that to the famous people from your generation who are all deadbeats. Don’t try and convince me otherwise, you’ll realize I was right when you get old like me. Even the news men from your generation are terrible. They have no integrity, they don’t print the truth.

I once got a call from one of those online news men. He wanted to interview me since I’m close friends with Carl. This was a few weeks after my ex-wife left me and I was wanting to tell any story to get my mind off her. The man didn’t believe any of my stories. He called me a liar when I told him the story about me and Carl escaping from a Brazilian jail together. Remind me later and I’ll tell it to you. Now, let me tell you this other story.

Carl told me after he heard this other story, he said, “Frank, you have a real good story with that one. Most of the stories you tell are good and that one is especially good.”

I said to him, “With that sort of endorsement from you I should keep that story in my back pocket.” And so I keep it in my back pocket for someone like you who I like talking to and who wants to hear a good story. Really, you should feel lucky. I don’t share this story often.

Don’t worry, I won’t hold you up too long.

Now, I’m an old man. I’m rough around the edges so when I’m telling you this story you might hear me get lost and tell another story. Just don’t interrupt me and I’ll tell you something good. Don’t worry, I won’t boggle you down with too much detail.

Were you here earlier today when I was talking about the famous musician I know? Tommy Shaw? He has me making music with him and his band sometimes. I played on his last album and I briefly went on a small tour with him. The tour was a good time. The tour gave Tommy a chance to meet and talk with his fans. Anyway, we had just finished up a concert in Alabama and Tommy invited a few of us to his house for a few drinks.

We were out talking on his front porch when limo after limo showed up. It turned into one of his legendary after-parties. We fired off hundreds of fireworks and there were plenty of drinks, but I couldn’t stay all night. I had to drive home so I could be here at the bar and keep it running.

It must have been three in the morning when I left. I was tired, but I knew that I could get to Noel’s convenience store on the way back and have myself a coffee and a cigarette.

Usually when you’re driving from Alabama to Florida you take the highway all the way.

It’s an eight-hour drive. If you’re driving with my ex-wife it’s a ten-hour drive. She likes to stop at rest stops along the way and she drives slowly. Anyway, I know a short cut and it only takes me six hours to get home. I might tell you how to get to it if you remind me later.

I was driving home along that short cut. Noel’s convenience store is there near the Alabama-Florida boarder. Most of his customers live in trailer parks or down dark dirt roads nearby. There are a few other stores near Noel’s, but they aren’t as interesting. Driving down this highway you might pass the other stores and the mobile homes without noticing them, but, you’d know when you were driving past Noel’s convenience store because of the eight-foot-tall bear statue that he has outside next to the road. It’s an interesting landmark, that’s for sure. It has an outstretched paw like it’s waving at traffic and the brown paint is faded from baking in the sun.

The building itself is a real old southern building. Mostly made of wood and surrounded by trees on both sides. It has a front porch, which Noel himself built, if you wanted to you could hang out outside on the porch and if Noel was around he would come out and sit with you.

Noel was a bigger guy, a sniper in the Army when he was young. After the Army he bought the convenience store and as he tells it he’s managed the business for forty or so years. If you sit there on the porch with Noel for a while he might tell you that story. If he tells you that story he might also give you some homemade ice tea and a cigarette and if you want the two of you could just sit and watch cars drive by and maybe share more stories.

I remember Noel and I sitting out on the porch, and he told me a story about how he was robbed at gun point at the store. Luckily, the robber was caught. If the robber wasn’t caught he’d run off with a lot of money. Noel gets good business, so losing any money wouldn’t hurt too much, but it would have probably dampened what he could donate. People lean on charitable, selfless men like Noel, especially if they need a job but also sometimes if they are having a tough time getting by and need to speak with someone who can listen.

Noel’s wasn’t alone when the robbery happened, his friend Kyle was there with him. This story by itself could be a scene from an action movie. The robber had a gun. Kyle smacked the gun out of his hand, which broke the robber’s wrist. They grappled on the ground, knocking over some merchandise. They both put in a good fight. By the end of it Kyle had a bloody nose and the robber had broken six of his toes. Noel told me that the robber was named Andrew Pablo, apparently a famous thief. He was sentenced to death by lethal injection, the judge was hard on him even though he was non-violent. I can’t blame the judge for that, Andrew Pablo was a public nuisance.

Noel wasn’t there this night though. I didn’t know the man who was working. It must have been one of Noel’s friends, Noel helps his friends when they need help. I once asked Noel to give my ex-wife a job, so she would have someone else to bother, but he refused after hearing all the stories I told him about her being difficult. As if she would even have accepted it, considering the drive. Anyway, this night the man working the counter looked tired, probably strung out, and he had a scar on his left cheek.

So I go in the store and grab some snacks and a bottled water, and I take it to the counter and me and him start chatting. We didn’t talk about anything too personal really. We talked business, the weather, and maybe I told him this story about when my brother got caught up in some funny business with the government. It was nothing to brag about. My brother is a real smart man. He was top of his class in every subject and got a job with the government immediately after he finished school. It paid well but my brother was not a fan of the job or the government. Almost immediately he started messing with their finances. He even called me from his work phone to brag about it. A few months after he started working there we had some men in suits come to our home and they took him without saying a word to me other than telling me to stand back. We’ve haven’t seen him since. I miss him a lot. Every year I file a police report so that maybe someday we can find him. Although I think this situation goes above police jurisdiction. I might never know what happened to my brother. It makes me heated. Maybe he did deserve to go to jail, but, I didn’t deserve to lose my brother with no explanation.

And speaking of no explanation, I didn’t tell you about the first girl that I proposed to.

Her name was Marge and I regret ever asking her. You seem like a sensitive man, so I’ll tell you that story. I don’t know how you feel about the looks of other men, but according to many girls, I am nothing to look at. That’s okay with me since I am such a good quality man. As much of a good quality man as I am, this woman did not seem to see it. She took advantage of me because I was so attracted to all the attention she gave me. I wanted to prove to her that I was good, and I offered to marry her so she could know for certain. You should have seen the proposal.

I proposed to her at an exclusive fine dining restaurant, it was difficult to get into. I had to pull some strings. Honestly, we went there often, so she didn’t suspect that I would ask. I gave her hints, so she could guess what I was going to do. I talked about a wedding that we both went to. I wanted her to know but I also wanted it to be a surprise. When I proposed I got on one knee, I looked her in the eye, and I asked her to marry me. The whole restaurant stood up and clapped.

I had tears in my eyes. She said no. She said she wanted to talk to her parents first. I couldn’t believe it. Why talk to your parents if you know you’re ready? You don’t need to talk to your parents first when you are in love. Greg, you and I both know that. Even my ex-wife knew that. I left Marge that same night.

The next weekend I was meeting new people and enjoying life. I wish Marge was there, so she could see how quickly I moved on. She hurt me badly. A few months after that I met my ex-wife, and not long after that I asked her to marry me. She said yes without hesitation and we lasted together for a long time

So I’m talking to Noel’s store clerk like this, but I don’t tell him the story about Marge.

There was this loud cracking noise outside. It was loud enough that you could feel it. I knew instantly that me and the clerk were in danger. My adrenaline kicked in and time slowed down. If we didn’t act fast we’d be dead.

This story with the clerk reminds me of a different night when me and Noel saw a car accident. We were on his porch and this car sped past us and lost control. It crashed into the safety railing on the other side of the road and nearly hit Noel’s bear statue. We both rushed over after it happened. The car was an older model, foreign make. It was a young Mexican man driving the car. Those Mexicans like foreign cars. I think that’s because of how cheap the cars are and how reliable and fast.

He was obviously racing this car. I used to race cars myself. I drove my car stock even when other racers were spending so much of their money on upgrades to their car. People called me crazy.

I won many races that way. I had a winning streak until I crashed. I flipped five times.

They thought I was dead. The doctors saved me by putting these metal disks in my spine. Those disks are why I wobble when I walk now. After I recovered the doctors said that if I didn’t react as quickly as I did I would have been killed. Imagine that, you and I would have never met.

This Mexican was lucky though because he didn’t have to see any doctors. His car was a real wreck though. His engine had been squeezed out of his front end like a popped zit. Imagine running track and hitting a wall by accident, you’re knocked unconscious for a moment, you open your eyes and you’re covered in blood, you see your beating heart laying on the ground next to you. It was shocking like that.

Me and Noel took care of the Mexican and after assessing the damage, we decided to try and get the car running again ourselves. It probably took us two or three days to fix the car.

There was a lot of structural damage. Most people would’ve cut their losses and sold the car for scrap. Fixing the car was a fun challenge for us.

We let the driver sleep inside the store while we worked on the car. Noel had a small room in the back for any friend who needed a place to sleep, as was the case with me sometimes when my ex-wife was having a fit. This Mexican was lucky, we did him a favor, the engine wasn’t being maintained professionally. No offense to you, because I know your family is Mexican. I don’t know how these people get away with it. There is no good excuse for poor engine maintenance.

The noises we heard from the car crash were almost as bad as what we heard when the porch collapsed. I had just finished telling the clerk the story about my brother, and then we hear this loud cracking noise coming from the front porch. The porch was breaking apart. It was all coming down, luckily me and the store clerk escaped unhurt.

It made me think of all the things I’ve done in my life, and all the lies I’ve told. I had a flashback to something that happened when I was a kid. I was maybe seven or eight. We went to the park, and I brought some of my expensive toys with me to play with. My dad warned me about bringing any toys. He said some kid might steal them. I told him I would be responsible.

Like me, the other kids at the park brought their own toys, except one kid who didn’t have any toys. I shared my toys with him and gave him one to keep. My parents realized I was missing a toy as we left. I lied when they asked what happened. I told them that someone stole it.

My dad was pissed at me for that one and my mom giving me this look, but I knew that it was the right thing to do.

The store clerk was worried about the building after the porch collapsed. I assured him that it would be fine. I was once a construction worker. I have an instinct when it comes to building safety. He kept pestering on about it though, he sounded like my ex-wife. She was always pestering on about things. She even complained when I talked about cars. I’ve always been good with cars, but she had got it in her head that I didn’t know anything. I’ll prove to you right now what I know about cars.

Me and her drove up to North Carolina, we drove non-stop through the night. Our car lost power steering about halfway through the drive. I pulled over noticed that the serpentine belt had cracked.

This is in the middle of the night. There were no cars on the road. Any mechanic was several hours away. The trip seemed like it was already over. Luckily my ex-wife had brought a pair of pantyhose with her. I used that to tie the power steering together with the engine’s crank pulley and that fixed the steering, and I tied it to the alternator as well so the engine could start up again. She yelled at me for using her pantyhose. I tried to explain it to her, but she wouldn’t listen. I was glad when she finally divorced me.

I called Noel after the collapse and he was shocked to hear from me. It wasn’t easy telling him what happened, and he didn’t take it well. Even over the phone and even considering his age Noel sounded big and intimidating. He asked me to inspect the exterior of the building, and so I did.

When I lived with my ex-wife we lived near some woods and we had a problem with bears digging through our trash looking for food. I wanted to buy a few bear traps. My ex-wife was against it. She said someone could lose their leg. She had a good argument.

For a few years when I was young I worked as an insurance adjuster. I appraised homes after devastating hurricanes, a lot of the homes were destroyed and had to be rebuilt. Some only had flood damage. Some weren’t damaged at all. The insurance company sent me and a few other young adjusters to assess and document the damaged homes.

One of the adjusters with us had a background in insect extermination. He mentioned during one of our adjustments how splintered wood can be a sign of termite damage. There was plenty of splintered wood after the porch collapsed but no sign of termite damage. I checked twice.

When I walked around the building I noticed a long cable coming out from behind the store and going into the woods. Since I had Noel on the phone I asked him if it was anything important. He said it wasn’t. It was just an electrical wire leading to his shed.

While I had him on the phone I told him your story about when you were working at that wood shop. About when you lost electricity. I still can’t believe what you did with those six car batteries. That story reminds me of a man named Nik that I worked with when I was contracted with the military to do building maintenance.

I was fortunate to work with Nik because he told me stories about the different war zones that he had been stationed in. His stories came in handy during the overnight shift. Me and him would walk around and talk. Our job was to document any part of the building that needed repairing, but Nik was stubborn and eager to save the government money. He fixed whatever dim light fixture we came across with nothing more than a screwdriver and pliers. I told him that we should just document it and let the electrical team handle it. Instead of doing that he would fix each light quickly and without filing a report. Of course, the government being what it is, he was fired soon after.

I hung up with Noel after I told him I didn’t see damage and after I told him your story. I walked to the front of the store and Noel’s wife was there, with the employee. I told her I investigated the damage. She told me that it wasn’t necessary. She knew exactly what had happened. I couldn’t believe it. She told me that she deliberately sabotaged the front porch to break this way.

She said that she had started this process years ago so that it would naturally and safely break apart. I thought that it was crazy, but I also understood that the insurance payout would be outstanding. I asked her what she did to compromise the structure. She laid out this complicated plot for me that involved splintering load-bearing wood and exposing the wood to different chemicals. She had expected the porch to come down months ago, but the structure had been built too sturdy. She was smart but in her old age she forgot how much emphasis her husband, Noel, put on building good quality structures. I don’t think Noel knew about her plan.

Speaking of wives, my girlfriend is making me see a psychiatrist. She’s turning into my ex-wife. Except my ex-wife wasn’t this bad. My ex-wife might yell at me for smoking her cigarettes butts, but she never called me crazy. She understood my logic.

This psychiatrist was a real quack. All he did was watch me talk and nod. I doubt if he even heard what I was telling him. It came to a point in our conversations that I started to tell him stories that were so boring and pointless that they were unbearable.

I’m glad I own this bar, this place is my retirement. I’ll buy you a beer, and maybe I’ll tell you another story. At least I’ll tell you the end of this story, which, as I said earlier, is gruesome.

After seeing Noel’s wife and talking to her about the porch, I went home. I told her to call me when they start building the porch again. For over two months I didn’t hear anything from either Noel or his wife. I was worried because I had figured they’d want to rebuild quickly. I made the trip over there. The porch was gone. I walked inside and asked the clerk if Noel was around, and he was. He said Noel was in his shed behind the building cutting wood. I walked behind the building and found that electrical wire and followed it. I had figured it wouldn’t be

more than a hundred yards through the woods.

As I followed the electrical wire, I saw Noel ahead of me. I called out for him, but he didn’t turn around. I caught up to him, right in time to see him take a step into a bear trap. I remember the blood squirting when it clamped down. It was horrible to watch. When I approached, Noel insisted I remove it. So I did. Looking back, removing his leg from the trap was a bad idea.

Noel had been eager to catch a black bear that had been roaming around his land. He said it was as big as his bear statue, and he thought the bear might find its way into his store and eat his merchandise. Noel paid a friend to set camouflaged bear traps around his property. The friend planted a flag next to every trap making them easy for humans to avoid.

Unfortunately, the small flag that was planted next to this trap was gone. Without the flag the trap was invisible. When I removed the trap from his leg, I saw his leg bone exposed.

If Noel had been alone at this time, there wouldn’t have been much help for him. The store clerk didn’t expect to see him all day and neither did his wife. He wouldn’t have been able to crawl away either, not unless he could unlock the trap, which was possible, but considering Noel’s age not very likely. Bear traps typically weigh fifty or more pounds. Under normal circumstance it would require patience and energy to unlock.

Noel was fortunate to have me around. I threw him over my back and carried him back into the store. The clerk called for an ambulance. I set him down in the back room. We were trailing pools of blood behind us. I had blood in my socks. I couldn’t keep enough pressure on the wound because of its size. Noel was dying.

I’m not licensed in the medical field, but I knew that the leg would need to come off. It was the only way to stop the bleeding and save his life.

All we needed was something sharp that could cut through a human bone. I asked Noel if he had anything like that in the store, but he was delirious. His yelps of pain made discussions with him impossible. I asked the store clerk, he said that there might be something in the shed. I looked around in his shed. It was a large shed, probably enough room for a small apartment if he installed some plumbing. I found a gas-powered chainsaw. It was new and had no marks or scratches on it. It was our only option. Noel’s store clerk was surprised by what I found, but he agreed it would be the fastest way and considering how much blood Noel had been losing it was the only option.

We had to tie down Noel because of how bad we knew it was going to get. Once I started the motor Noel squirmed and screamed. I cut his leg off right under his knee cap, it didn’t take me more than thirty seconds to remove it. There was blood all over. Once his leg was off we covered his stump with gauze.

 When the ambulance got there, they agreed that we made the right choice. They had expected a dead body, But Noel was back to work the next day

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